What In The Motherhood Is This?

Before I start, let me start off by saying that I love being a mom to my kid. I have the most amazing daughter in the world. She is kind, honest, bold and brave. She challenges me as a woman and mother. She makes me see myself in ways that I didn’t think were possible. She makes me bold and brave. She makes me who I am. I do not think I would be who I am… or where I am if she wasn’t here. She is the reason I am still here. Outside of the good Lord, she saved my life. She is the reason that I am still alive. But for a few minutes, let’s have a moment of honesty: I did not want children. I had decided when I was a teenager that I did not want children because I had so many nieces, nephews and cousins that I’d taken care of that I didn’t want any. I remember when I was a kid, I’d say I wanted 5 children. Life determined that, that was a lie, LOL! And now, here I am, mom to an amazing daughter who makes me feel like anything in the world is possible. This isn’t news to my kid because I believe in being honest with her about my life and who I am as a person, and it allows her to make her own decisions about her own life and who she wants to be.

Motherhood isn’t easy. Even with the most amazing kid in the world, it still isn’t the easiest. Don’t get me wrong, a good kid makes the load a little bit lighter, but the load is still heavy. We do not get to take the “mom” hat off. We wear so many hats that sometimes, it’s exhausting and overwhelming. I honestly do not see nor understand how women back in the day had so many children. First of all, I am children, and I’m still trying to understand how the Lord saw fit to give me this one! I often times wonder how many women actually didn’t want to be mothers but were made to have children. I despise it when women tell other women to give a man a baby. Ma’am, do you plan to be there and take care of the kid when it is born?! No! So, stop doing that to other women because if no one is made to be present, the mom is. There are women who love their children, but they do not like being a mother. This is a real thing and it should be normalized to be honest about it. People will ask why they had children if they didn’t like being a mother and the answers may vary, but I do believe that women should not be talked about for it. There aren’t enough safe spaces for mothers to be honest about their mothering experiences because parenting can be the ghetto-ist thing ever. We are sleep deprived, free Ubers, banks and ATMs. When the child is sick, we are the ones who miss work. We are responsible for the majority of the rearing of the child(ren), the mental and emotional well-being of the child(ren), and everything above, around and in between. When no one shows up, we HAVE to show up. We make and create ways. We make $1 out of 15 cents. We make 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread last 2 weeks. WE ARE MAJESTIC AND MAGICAL! Let’s be honest: we don’t want to spend the money we spend on what the children want. We want to be able to eat our food without tiny or big fingers begging for some. We’ve already shared our bodies, peed and even pooped on ourselves just for some kids! We want to be selfish with our stuff! When we are sick, we still have to carry the load. Let’s not forget about the married women who are still single moms. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger; I’m just talking about what I’m talking about. Women are looked at and judged about motherhood, like it’s a woman’s due diligence to have a baby, but it’s a different story with men when they express how they don’t want to be fathers. For some odd reason or another, men get to decide when they do or don’t want to be fathers. Women give up so much to be mothers. We inconvenience our lives for the convenience of our children, when men (not all because I know how y’all menfolk like to shame women for saying all men) get to live a life of convenience. God forbid the mom has dreams and aspirations and wants to leave the child with someone she trusts as she pursues them (WE STAN GREAT SUPPORT AND COMMUNITY). She’d be deemed unfit. If she has a child and relies on government assistance while she works, she’s deemed lazy. My favorite is when people think that moms don’t deserve a childless night or even have the luxury of just having a good time without a child. Mothers are shamed for wanting or taking a break or being tired, like we aren’t entitled to rest. Rest IS our birthright. Even the Lord took a day off to rest. We praise women who can be mothers and do it all, but what about the ones who are barely floating- the ones who are barely staying alive?

I saw a video on TikTok where a young mother jumped off of a bridge because she could not take it anymore. She was literally fighting for her life while parenting. I’ve also seen and heard other women express the only reason that they are still alive is because they don’t want to leave their children. Whether society wants to believe it or not, motherhood is its own cross to bear. We don’t talk enough about what carrying a child does to the body and how taxing it is on the mental and emotional well-being of the mother. We all know about postpartum depression. What people don’t realize is that it can last for years. I cried every single day when I was pregnant. Every. Single. Day. I don’t think I experienced postpartum immediately after I had my baby, but I do believe it showed up as high functioning depression years later. Women go through so much when it comes to baring children. It’s not a cake walk for all. For some, it’s literally life or death.

Friday morning while getting ready for work, I was playing Adele’s new album. “My Little Love” captured my heart. As I listened to that song, I felt all of the emotions that she was feeling because I could identify with them all. Motherhood is not a cookie cutter thing. It isn’t “one size fits all”. It’s literally a “pay-as-you-go” plan. I’ve been a mother for 14 years, and I still have no idea what I’m doing. Like she said, “Mama’s got a lot to learn.” Like I said, I love being a mom. It is the highlight of my life. It brings so much joy to my life, but it can be exhausting. I’m not shaming motherhood nor talking bad about it. What I am doing is creating dialogue about the realities of motherhood. My challenge to my moms is to be honest with yourself about your own motherhood journey and don’t be ashamed of it or about it. From one mother to another, I feel you. I understand you. I see you. Motherhood doesn’t always rock, but it is, indeed, real.

xoxo- Virgilia Rene’ Edge, the sometimes tired mama who enjoys when she gets a break to just be Virgilia and not her daughter’s mom.