A couple of years ago, I started therapy. I had always been an advocate for therapy, but this time, I needed it to start unpacking some things in my own life. I would go here and there for a little maintenance, but something happened that forced me to start going regularly. It was life-changing. Not only was I unpacking things that were done to me, but I also had to take a hard look in the mirror at myself and take ownership of the things that I had done to others. It was hard discovering that I was an emotional manipulator. NOOO!!!! Not Gil! Yes, GIL!!! Sis was a whole manipulator out here in these streets! Like all things, it had its origin. Of course, I will not disclose that information, but I will say this: we truly do attract who we are. But, I digress.
Therapy taught me a lot of things about brokenness and healing. When we are broken, we make excuses for our behavior. We feel as if we are entitled to the actions that we have because of the damage and trauma that has been inflicted upon us. Yes, I do believe we need space to process and everyone’s process is different, but when I was acting out and then reporting back to my therapist because I am a terrible liar and had to be honest about my behaviors and process, it was like sis was talking to me like Jesus, “How long must I tarry with you before you get it?” When the reality kicked in that I was working towards a better, healthier story, but I was the person standing in my own way, it shook me to the core.
When we are broken, we do not have to change our story. We can stick to the broken narrative as long as we want to because it is ours and we feel entitled to it. Yes, it is ours and yes, we are entitled to every emotion that comes with it, but it is not the complete story; it is only a portion of the story. We also hold on to it because we don’t want to change. Why? Because we are so afraid of who we will be when we heal. That was my testimony. I was so afraid of healing that I self-sabotaged a lot. Not so much in my relationships, but within myself. I started breaking promises to myself, talked my way out of good relationships with people because I was afraid, and I felt as if I did not deserve to heal. My behavior to myself was toxic. Yes, I was making strides in other areas of my life, but the relationship with myself had become my own stepping stone because I was afraid of who I’d become once I started to mend the broken pieces.
I was broken, what I felt like, beyond repair. A friend of mine once said to me “You’ll know how to hold a thing once you understand how it’s broken.” That has been ringing in my head ever since he said it to me. Now, I am more gracious with myself and my healing journey. Now, I am no longer afraid of who I’ll be because like Lecrae says in his song “Broken”, “I’m just a broken instrument in the hands of the greatest.” I understand we’re all just a bunch of broken pieces. There will always be pieces of me that will be broken. I will always have a thorn in my side. My attachment style still exists. None of it matters when I know whose hands that I am in because it is His will that I be a whole being. I can take my broken pieces before Him, and He will mend them as He sees fit. The word says His desire is for us to prosper in all things, which also includes the broken things. The broken pieces are here to tell a story. It isn’t to keep us bound. We think brokenness is a safe space, but nothing broken grants security.
Healing requires us to tell a different story. It requires us to create a different narrative outside of the one we’ve known. It forces us to change our bad behaviors and keep promises to ourselves. It forces us to draw lines outside of the ones that we’ve known. We don’t have to erase the ones that were there; we just have to acknowledge that they exist and start new ones. It forces us to be a different person. It forces us to give up who we are for who we will become. It forces us into a space that challenges us and requires a different version of ourselves. Healing isn’t the prettiest thing. It gets ugly and messy and exhausting and will break your heart, but it is so worth it. Ask yourself this question: who are you outside of your brokenness? What new story do you want to tell? Who do you want to be?
An egg isn’t useful until its shell is broken. No one is guaranteed an outcome. Write a different story. Heal anyway.
xoxo- Virgilia Rene’
I was broken, what I felt like, beyond repair. A friend of mine once said to me “You’ll know how to hold a thing once you understand how it’s broken.” That has been ringing in my head ever since he said it to me. Now, I am more gracious with myself and my healing journey. Now, I am no longer afraid of who I’ll be because like Lecrae says in his song “Broken”, “I’m just a broken instrument in the hands of the greatest.” I understand we’re all just a bunch of broken pieces. There will always be pieces of me that will be broken. I will always have a thorn in my side. My attachment style still exists. None of it matters when I know whose hands that I am in because it is His will that I be a whole being. I can take my broken pieces before Him, and He will mend them as He sees fit. The word says His desire is for us to prosper in all things, which also includes the broken things. The broken pieces are here to tell a story. It isn’t to keep us bound. Healing requires us to tell a different story. It requires us to create a different narrative outside of the one we’ve known. It forces us to change our bad behaviors and keep promises to ourselves. It forces us to draw lines outside of the ones that we’ve known. We don’t have to erase the ones that were there; we just have to acknowledge that they exist and start new ones. It forces us to be a different person. It forces us to give up who we are for who we will become. Ask yourself this question: who are you outside of your brokenness? What new story do you want to tell? Who do you want to be
Love it Gil !!! Makes me want to go to therapy even more ❤️