Theo and I were inseparable. Since our date in May, we haven’t missed a beat. I saw him almost every day. He called me every day on his lunch break, and I called him as soon as I got in my car when I got off. He comes by the house and we would either sit in the driveway or on my patio and talk for hours. Today, Bella was packing up to go to her dad’s for the duration of the summer. It’s been the same routine since she’s been in school and you’d think by now it has gotten easier for me, but it hasn’t. I told Theo about how bad I struggled when she was away so tonight, he decided to take me to my favorite sushi restaurant to cheer me up.
My phone buzzed indicating that I had a text message. It was Bella’s dad letting me know that he was outside. “Bella! Your dad is here!” I yell down the hallway to her.
“Ok!” She yelled back to me.
She scurried up the hall with her bags in hand, grinning from ear to ear.
“Are you gonna miss me?” I ask giving her my biggest puppy dog eyes.
“Mama! You do this every time I leave,” she said rolling her eyes
“But are you gonna miss me though?” I really wanted to know.
“Of course I am, but I’m not coming home until summer is over.”
I roll my eyes and give her a slight shove. I was so glad she had a great relationship with her father, but that didn’t stop me from missing her.
“Mama!” She laughed.
“Give me your bags.”
She gives me her bags and takes off out of the door to her dad. Outside, I speak to her dad and place the bags in the trunk. I hug Bella and tell her to call me before she goes to bed. I stand in the driveway until they are no longer in sight.
I go inside and flop down on the love seat in the living room and mope. The house feels so empty when she’s away. Time had definitely slipped away from me because I completely forgot all about my date with Theo. I hopped off the sofa and ran down the hall to get my phone to check the time. I had about a good 45 minutes before Theo would be here. I made sure to turn my ringer on so that I could hear my phone.
I hopped in the shower to wash off the day. Mid-June weather was brutal down here in the south, so I decided on some dark denim shorts, a light washed denim sleeveless button down, and tan sandals. My hair was braided in the top, so I pinned it up in a cute hairstyle to show off the fresh lineup that I had gotten the day before. As I was applying my lipstick, my phone started ringing. It was a number that I wasn’t familiar with, so I answered the phone.
“Is this Jesus? I say in the phone, snickering. I make me sick with my shenanigans.
“Mina-,”
It was Paul.
“Paul-,”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”
Oh. My. Goodness. What? How? And what? How did he find out?! I was speechless. I felt the anxiety creep up the nape of my neck and slide around my throat, choking the air out of me. I could not speak.
“Mina, why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?” He repeated and it sounded just as bad the second time he said it. “So, that’s why you disappeared? You were pregnant. Why didn’t you tell me?” By his tone, I couldn’t determine if he was angry, hurt or both, but I knew I had to say something.
“How did you find out?!” I was in a state of panic.
“Bianca told me.” Bianca was his cousin, but I’m trying to figure out how she knew.
“How did she know that?! That’s a private matter.” By this point, I was shaking. I walked over to my room to find my anxiety meds. Whenever I have anxiety I can’t manage with the tools I learned in therapy, I took a Xanax. In this moment, I needed 2. I found the pills and popped two pills, praying they’d hurry and kick in.
“She recognized you and Amelia that day she was there with a friend of hers. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. Why didn’t you tell me, Mina?” There was no question what emotion he was carrying. He was hurt. I could hear the pain in his why. But at recognizing the hurt in his voice changed my mood. Anxiety was replaced with anger.
“What were you gonna do, Paul?! Leave your wife and help me raise a child?!” I yelled. I was angry that he was back, angry at the fact that Bianca told my personal business, and angry that he knew. He was never supposed to know.
“Mina-,” he began. I could hear him sniffling in the phone and while I was surprised he was crying, I didn’t care. I had suffered enough emotional damage from being in a dead-end relationship with him, being pregnant by another woman’s husband and aborting the child, and keeping it a secret. His feelings didn’t matter right now.
The mixture of anger and anxiety had taken over my body and broke me down to tears. “Paul, please just go away. Please leave me alone. Please don’t contact me again,” I sobbed into the phone.
“Mina, I’m divorced. I’ve been divorced for the past 2 years. That day we were supposed to meet was the day the divorce was final. I had planned to tell you that day. When we saw you that evening at the restaurant, we were only there to talk about the property we had bought together. That’s it.”
I screamed. I screamed so loud that it vibrated through my entire body. Why is he doing this now?! How could he do this now?!
“Mina-,”
“NO!” I screamed. I had to sit down to try to calm down. “No, you cannot do this to me right now! You cannot do this to me! Why are you doing this, Paul?! Why are you doing this now?!” I was livid! I cannot believe this is happening right now.
“Mina-“
“No! No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!!!! I’ve got to go, Paul. Please don’t call me anymore.” I hung up the phone and sank to the floor. I was hysterical. I was crying so hard that my body was shaking. He was divorced?! Why did Bianca tell him about the baby and how didn’t I notice her there?! I needed to call Amelia. I picked up my phone to dial Amelia and it started ringing. It was Theo. I took a few seconds to get myself together.
“Hey,” I forced myself to sound normal.
“Mina? You good?” he asked concerned.
“I’m just missing Bella that’s all,” I lied. I could not tell him about the conversation between Paul and I. I was tired of Paul interfering with my life, especially now that I’m trying real hard to move on.
“Awww, you big baby,” he laughed in the phone.
“Shut up, Theo,” I said with a laugh of my own. It’s like he always knows when to lighten the mood.
“Come on outside witcho fine self, and don’t be looking too good either.”
“You get on my nerves. Of course, I look good!” I countered and hung up the phone.
I ran across the hall to take a look at myself to see how much damage was done. My makeup was streaked, and my eye liner was smeared. My eyes were red and swollen. My nose was red from constantly wiping it. I grabbed my glasses off the shelf and reapplied my lipstick. I touched up my makeup and headed out the door. When I got outside, he was leaning against the car looking down at his phone. He looked good dressed in a baby blue polo, denim shorts, and tan sandals. Today, he was wearing a tan ball cap and shades. The fade was my favorite, but the hat and shade combo looked real good on him. He looked up as I was approaching.
“Why you trying to dress like me?” He was being mad annoying, but it was cute.
“You say that like I looked in your window or something.”
“You probably did for real. I don’t know what you’ve been doing since you’ve been off. You probably drove by my house a couple of times today,” he said laughing at me.
I mean, I have drove by his house a couple of times, but not today. It is what it is. I was thankful that he was making me laugh and even grateful that the meds were starting to kick in. I made a mental note to request an emergency session with my therapist as soon as I get in the car. I don’t see myself sleeping well until I process this with her.
I stop in front of him and he grabs me up for an embrace. He has no idea how much I needed this hug. I linger a while because I need the comfort of caring arms. He gave a tight squeeze and asked me if I was good. I nodded my head and pulled away before the tears could start all over again. I walk over to the passenger side and get in. He slides in the driver’s seat and close the door. We leave my driveway in a comfortable silence. I pull out my phone and opened the app to request a visit with my therapist. Theo phone rings. I usually look down when it rings because he never turns it over when we’re together, but I was too busy in my own little world.
“Yo,” he says into the phone. There was a guy on the other line, so I decided not to listen in on this one.
“Ahhhhh, I’m kinda tied up right now. What you trynna do?” I look up at him as he was turning the steering wheel. This man could make churning butter look good. I was waiting to see his reply to whatever it was that he meant by what you trynna do. I’m trying to see what he was trying to do.
“Yeah, I can do that. I’ll get at you when I get back in town.” He hung the phone and looked at me. I smiled at him and looked back down at my phone. We fell back into a comfortable silence until he turned the radio down. I looked up and he relaxed in the seat.
“Mina, I gotta tell you something,” he began, and I can tell that he needed my undivided attention.
“What’s up?” I’m nervous and anxious about what he’s getting ready to say. I honestly can’t take any more bad news today. Good thing the Xanax has fully kicked in because I was extremely chilled at this point, so if I had to have a reaction, it would be a medicated sober one.
“I know you’ve noticed how much my phone be going off when we’re together.” I had noticed it and was meaning to ask him about it. I nodded my head to encourage him to keep talking.
“Well, I just want you to know that although I work a legit job, I also have an illegitimate one.”
Ok. Where was he going with this? “What does that mean, Theo?” I wonder if that came out slurred because your girl was sky high. Maybe 2 Xanax was a bad idea.
“I kinda sell a little drugs on the side,” he said with a smirk. Holy crap!
“What?! Since when? How long? What-,” he interrupted me in the middle of my sentence.
“Mina, chill. Before you ask, no there are no drugs in the car. I do it because I need the extra money. I’m trying to do something and I know that this was a quick way to make money,” he explained. I couldn’t quite read his demeanor. I couldn’t tell if he was nervous about my reaction or annoyed that I’m making a big deal out of it.
“Do you do the drugs?” I was curious. I needed to know exactly what I was getting into.
“Nah, I just sell it really,” he shrugged out his response. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I would revisit this thought when I was sober because right now I needed food and a nap. I was exhausted from the crying and drowsy from the meds. I nodded my head and laid back on the head rest and closed my eyes.
“Mina. I know you’re not about to go to sleep in the middle of the conversation.”
“I really just need to close my eyes for a minute. I took some meds earlier and I’m a little drowsy,” I replied with my eyes still closed.
“I’ll wake you when we get to the restaurant,” he said as he turned up the music. I know it was probably rude for me to be going to sleep right now, especially in the middle of what was probably an important conversation, but I didn’t have anything else to give in this moment, so I let the drive and the music carry me into a slumber.
…….
“Wake up, pretty lady,” Theo coaxed to awaken me from my slumber.
I woke up and looked around, trying to remember where I was. When I laid eyes on Theo, I recalled the conversation we had before I fell asleep. “Did we really talk about you selling drugs or was I dreaming?” I couldn’t remember if it was a real conversation or not. Theo burst out laughing.
“It was a real conversation, man. What exactly did you take?” He was laughing.
Since he was a drug dealer, I felt comfortable with my reply.
“Xanax. A real doctor gave it to me,” I said stretching.
“Sounds like you need some of what I got,” he smirked.
“You get on my nerves,” I laugh and swat him for being a pain in my side.
“I’m just saying. If you need it, I can supply it.” Ok. That was different. I stopped laughing and looked at him and he was looking at me with that look in his eyes. I grab my phone and my purse and reach for the door.
“Wait a minute, Mina.” He had his hand on my knee and my breath caught in my chest. “Seriously. Natural herb is the way to go,” he said and laughed hysterically.
“Get out of the car, man!” I was crying laughing at him. He had the absolute worst humor, but it was the perfect medicine for my somber heart.
I met him at the hood of the car. He was a tad bit taller than I was. I could smell the mixture of soap and cologne on his skin. I could smell the product that he used on his beard. I didn’t know if it was the meds or the heady combination that was in front of me, but I was indeed intoxicated.
“You ready to eat, McGreedy?” Those beautiful white teeth dazzled down at me. I grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the restaurant entrance. We entered and waited to be seated. I decided to sit at the sushi bar because I liked to watch them make it. It was his first time and I could tell that he wasn’t too eager to try it. I ordered my usual rolls and he ordered hibachi. I was always excited when someone tried sushi for the first time. My food came out first and I was overjoyed.
“This is the raw roll and this is the cooked one,” I said pointing to each roll with my chopsticks.
“Imma try the fried one,” he said as he grabbed his fork and started poking around my plate.
“I’m not going to give you a whole piece. I’ll cut it in half for you just so you can try it.” I was giddy. The argument with Paul was the furthest thing from my mind and in this moment, I was thankful for Theo and Xanax. I cut the piece in half and waited for him to scoop it up with his fork. I watched him take the bite. I was smiling. I was higher than the kite Benjamin Franklin was flying when it was struck by lightning. I watched him chew and then swallow. I waited for the verdict.
“So… how’d you like it?”
“It was aight. They probably could’ve just served it all separately hibachi style though,” he laughed and laid his fork down on the napkin in front of him. Neither of us ordered drinks other than water and he took a swig of his. I was too busy stuffing my mouth to reply. It had been a while since I had sushi and I caught myself tapping my feet and humming because it was so delicious.
“Ok, happy feet,” he laughed as he watched me eat.
“I’m sorry for eating. Your food isn’t out yet,” I said as I put my chopsticks down and wipe my mouth with my napkin.
“Nah, you go ahead. I like to watch you eat.”
This man was a gem. As I was picking up my fork, the waitress came out with his food. He ordered hibachi steak and like the greedy person that I am, I asked for a bite. Instead of telling me to get the bite myself, he asked for my fork. I picked it up off the table and handed it to him. He scooped me a bite of everything on the fork and fed it to me. Murray’s hair grease I thought to myself as I chewed the food he just placed in my mouth. I’ve had hibachi here a million times and it has never tasted this good before. He smiled at me and asked, “Good?”
“Mmmhmm,” I nod smiling back at him. We chatted over dinner and made plans to have desert afterwards. By the time we were done neither one of us wanted desert, but we did agree to get a candy bar for the ride home. As soon as we got back to my house, he told me that he needed to run somewhere real quick and he would be right back. I told him that he didn’t have to come back and that I needed to sleep off the meds and food. He kissed my cheek, I hopped out the car, and he zoomed away.
I was relieved because I felt a well in my chest and I needed to go and cry some heavy tears. Being out of Theo’s presence brought my situation with Paul back to front of my mind. As soon as I made it inside, I called Amelia.
“Yellow,” she said in the phone. This girl was crazy.
“Amelia…” I couldn’t formulate any words because the tears had taken over my voice.
“Mina? Mina are you ok?” Her voice was so soft that I could barely hear it over my heart pounding. I did good to suppress everything that had transpired before dinner, but it’s no surprise to me. I discovered in therapy, that was my way of coping- suppressing it all and moving on, but because the work was actually working, I couldn’t suppress it anymore. I sobbed into the phone. I cried so much that I didn’t realize I had been holding the phone and crying long enough for Amelia to make it to my house. The beating on the door snapped me back to reality. I heard Amelia hollering outside.
“Mina! Mina open the door right now!” I thought she was going to knock the door off the hinges.
I scrambled off the floor and bolted down the hallway to the front door. When I opened the door, I collapsed in her arms.
“Mina! Mina, what’s wrong?!” She was now crying with me.
“Paul…Paul knows about the abortion.” I was inconsolable. She walked me to the sofa and sat down beside me. I leaned on her shoulder and cried.
“Ohhh, Mina. How did he find out?” The only people who knew about the baby were Amelia and Laila. They took turns looking after me, scheduling my appointments and therapy sessions. They knew how it was for me. They were there when I had the nightmares and held me when I screamed. They knew how much I loved Paul and how if it would have been done the right way I would’ve kept the baby, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep the baby. The regret made me feel like I was a bad mom every time I looked at Bella, but I couldn’t be that woman. I was already ashamed of the entire situation, but I could not deny that I loved that man. He didn’t have any children and always wanted them, and I took his first child away from him. That broke my heart more than anything. It was indeed a child made out of love, but it wasn’t made right.
“Bianca told him,” I said in between sniffles.
“Bianca?! How?!” I could feel Amelia’s rage. Amelia never really cared for Bianca.
“She saw us at the clinic. She saw us that day.”
“Oh, Mina,” sighed Amelia and squeezed me in embrace. I had come undone. I was crying so hard that my body was shaking. I didn’t have any more words. It felt like a fresh wound all over again. This was the one thing that I never wanted Paul to find out. I knew if he had known about the baby I would’ve kept it, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want that baby to be my scarlet letter. I could not be that woman.
I cried what felt like hours and Amelia was right there with me. She knew what this all looked like. I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that my eyelids felt like bricks. Amelia told me she would stay the night with me and would call Laila and fill her in so that she could come down and we could all talk. I didn’t want her to do all of that, but I knew not to argue with Amelia. I pulled myself off the couch and made my way down the hallway to my room. I was too exhausted to change my clothes, so I took my shoes off and got under the covers and let the exhaustion take over my body and the shutters of crying rock me to sleep.
…….
It had been 2 weeks since everything had gone down with Paul. He called every day, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. I wanted it all to go away and disappear, but Theo was a great distraction. He would come by and we would sit on my patio and talk. He knew something was wrong with me when I refused to go out to dinner on several occasions and settle for burgers and fries instead. I would just tell him that I was missing Bella. I knew he knew that I was lying, but he never pushed the issue.
It was Friday and I was feeling better than I had been in weeks. I texted Theo to see if he wanted to grab drinks later that evening. He texted me back to let me know that he had a couple of plays to make and we would just meet at the local bar. I powered through the day looking forward to a wonderful evening.
–
I pulled up to the parking lot of the bar. Theo sent me a text message to let me know that he was already inside and was waiting for me to come up. I sent him a text to tell him to order me a drink because I needed to stop by the restroom. When I made my way inside, I saw Theo sitting off in the corner. He had on a yellow polo shirt, black jeans, and black and white vans. He had on a black fitted cap and those wire frames that looks like he’s had forever. The heat was brutal, so I had decided on blue jean shorts, a lime green top, and tan wedge heels. I make my way to the corner where he’s sitting, and I take a seat.
“You look good this evening, Mina,” Theo said to me, staring at me. I felt good. This week’s therapy session was what I needed to help me process everything that had gone down between me and Paul.
“I feel good, Theo,” I said smiling through my words.
“I ordered your drink. Riesling, right?”
“Yep.”
“Ok cool. I ordered some appetizers, too. I figured you’d want something to nibble on while we drink.” He knew me so well. We sat and talked about our week and plans for the upcoming weekend. I hadn’t been much of a conversationalist for days and this evening, it was pouring out of me like lava. Since it was Friday and I didn’t get up early for work, I decided to take a sleeping pill because I hadn’t been resting well. I went ahead and gulped it down with my wine and let Theo know that I needed to leave soon.
“I just took a sleeping pill so I’m gonna have to head home soon before it kicks in.”
“That’s cool. We can head to your house now if you want,” he said while finishing up a hot wing.
“I’m cool with that, but when it starts to kick in, you’re gonna have to leave,” I let him know in between bites of a mozzarella stick.
“I’m cool with that,” he said to me, shrugging out his response. His phone buzzed, indicating that someone was calling. He excuses himself from the table to take the call. I make sure he’s out of sight before I sneak a wing from his plate. The flats were my favorite and I’m sure he’ll notice one is missing since that’s all he ordered.
We rap up the evening and head to my house. Most times when Theo comes over, we sit on the patio, but I had grown comfortable with him, so I invite him to come inside. I run down the hall to change into sweatpants and a t-shirt and we sit on the living room couch and chit chat. I feel myself getting tired but not to the point that I’m ready for bed. I lean my head on the sofa and listen to Theo talk about something that his son had done earlier this week. I don’t realize that I’m asleep until I feel hands on my body. It feels as if I am in the twilight zone. I open my eyes and Theo is sliding my pants off and then I am out again. I come to again and he is now in between my legs and then I am out again. I come to self, dazed and I find myself bent over my couch. My body feels light and weighted and my mind is clouded yet spinning. I push Theo off of me and I drag myself down the hallway to the bathroom and lock the door. I am too drowsy and disoriented to try to piece together what just happened and what was going on, but I know I have to get him out of my house.
“Theo, please get out of my house,” I yell from the bathroom. I hear footsteps coming down the hallway.
“Mina. Are you ok?”
“Get out of my house now!” I say to him. I don’t know if I screamed it or not because I could not recognize my own voice, but I know I needed him out of my house. When I finally came to self, I was on the bathroom floor. I had fallen asleep in the bathroom on the floor. I got off the floor to go and see if he was gone because I do not remember him leaving or him saying anything else to me. I made my way up the hall to the living room and he was gone. I was groggy, but I needed to know what happened. I locked and bolted the door and drug myself down the hall to my room. I reached for my phone and texted Theo.
“Theo, what just happened?” I was anxious. I didn’t know if I had been dreaming or if what I thought happened really happened.
“What do you mean? We had sex.” We had sex?!
“What?!” I replied back. My heart was racing. My mind was racing. My heart was beating so fast that it felt like it was about to jump out of my chest and take off running. I was still disoriented, but I needed to know what had happened. I was losing the battle with the meds, but I could not sleep. Was I just violated in my own home?
“Mina, we’re adults. This is what adults do. This is what you wanted, right?”
Am I really reading this or is this the meds playing tricks on my mind? I put the phone down and close my eyes trying to remember what happened, but I found myself dozing off to sleep.
–
I woke up groggy. When I looked at my phone, it was almost 11:30. My mind was racing, trying to put together the events of the evening before. I opened my phone to the text messages between Theo and I. After reading the exchange, I was numb. This is what you wanted, right? kept playing in my head over and over again. This did not happen to me. This could not be happening to me. This is not happening. Did he do what I think he did to me? Did he really do this to me? I balled up in the middle of my bed and cried as the reality set in on what just happened to me. Theo raped me.